True Reality...a Bite in the Ass

So my day started at 2 am this morning when I found a naked, dirty man scrunched down in my kitchen cabinet who didn't have a tongue and was trying to talk to me. Apparently, he broke into my kitchen through a wall in the garage but was stuck in the cabinet. I found this guy shortly after I was jumped in my front yard by a carjacker trying to steal my purse ~ not my car ~ actually I had two purses. I fought him off, ran into my house (which was the house that I lived in as a kid), and for some reason had no electricity ~ then stumbled upon the guy in the cabinet. You can see why I was on edge at that point ~ trying my hardest to scream, I just couldn't. And then I woke up to me making some sound that I guess was supposed to be a scream, but was barely a mumble. I laid there staring at the ceiling, too scared to go back to sleep wondering why can't I scream in my dreams? I've never been able to and it drives me fruit. and what's the falling business about that you wake up right before you hit the ground...oh, or where you're being chased, but you're feet feel like cement?

I fell asleep again only to wake up at 5 am soaking in sweat. I mean, what the hell? I turn my heat down at night, I was in a tshirt and pj pants - I'm not wearing flannel and North Face to bed - and it was 4 degrees outside. My sheets were soaked. At that point I was just pissed. I was tired, shivering, and damp, I had already been up twice...NOT cool. I changed and went to bed for the THIRD time. I mean, really, this was just stupid. My alarm went off, which felt like 5 minutes after I fell asleep. Nothing a hot shower can't fix except I DON'T HAVE a hot shower. The cartridge in my faucet has been on the fritz so my hot showers are a crap shoot. I get one every 4-5 days and that sucks enough when it's warm outside, so imagine when it's 10 degrees. I get past it. I was showered, clean, smelled good, my hair was blow dried and flat ironed...it was time to clean off my car which was covered in 3 inches of snow. No big deal just a pain in the ass - and it was super windy. Thankfully the snow was not wet, but dry and light so it blew all over the place. That's a good time and not at all annoying. Another fun thing you should try - leave your windshield wipers on intermittent when you turn off your car at night. This way, when your car is covered with snow, and you start it to warm it up, it will be a surprise when the windshield wipers go off dumping a pile of snow in your face and down your shirt. Awesome...back in the house to fix my eye makeup, dry off, scrub the snowballs off my dog's paws ~ I finally made it to work, of course not without pulling over twice to scrape the ice chunks off my windshield wipers so they'd actually work. I'm never again buying a car that does not have heated windshield wipers. That's not a diva statement, I just think that this should be a required element on all cars. What a hazard.

I wouldn't exactly say the rest of the day was fantastic, but it was better than this morning. I'm off to Home Depot after work tonight to find this cartridge thing for the bathroom ~ that should be a blast. Because none of the guys at Home Depot are condescending or anything towards women trying to find something they have no idea what they're looking for.

I figured if I can rip on people on reality tv shows that I don't even know, I can rip on my own reality. And trust me, there's plenty of fodder.